life, love, and the pursuit of happiness

Kissing You

I got to thinking today about a conversation I had with my fellow SW majors several weeks ago.

It was right before finals, and we were having a “Ladies of SW Bonding/Burgers Night” over at my house. It was actually really awesome.

For most of the night, we hung out in my room and just talked, got to know each other a lot better. Being girls, the conversation naturally turned to boys/relationships at one point.

Brittany: Sierra, how many guys have you kissed?
Sierra: You know, I don’t know! I haven’t really thought about it.
Lydia: Double digits??
Me: OH YEAH.

That struck such a chord with me. I never wanted to be the girl that had a multitude of boys she had kissed, and yet somehow that became who I was.

I’m not proud of it, not by any means. I honestly don’t think that I would have ever even noticed if in my freshman year of college, while goofing off with a few friends, we made a ‘kiss list’ to see who of us had kissed the most boys.

It’s funny how when you right things down they become more real. As I started listing name after name I realized that a good half, if not three-quarters, of the names had absolutely NO BUSINESS being on the list.

What was I thinking??

That’s when I realized (today, after rehashing all of this in my mind) that I wasn’t. Since I graduated high school, I can count the number of boys I kissed on one hand. All of whom I was dating, or about to be. Not all of them “need” to be on the list, but I wasn’t just giving my affections away to any boy I felt I could—if that makes sense.

All throughout high school I was so insecure. Most girls are at this age, and my insecurities revealed themselves through the people I chose to associate with. It wasn’t until the end of my senior year that I really wanted to become a better person.

However, it’s really hard to change when you’re surrounded by people who have known you for several years. People who don’t push you to be the best you can be.

When I got to graduated/went to college, it was like a veil had been lifted. I started to really and truly believe in myself. I stopped letting everyone else define who I was. I surrounded myself with people who, for the most part, said “We accept your past, but we will call you out on it if you start doing _____.” They don’t judge, but most do lead by example.

There’s nothing I can do to change who I was. All I can do now is hope that I have learned the mistakes I put myself through. I can’t run, hide, or escape from anything I’ve done, so I might as well own up to it and work hard to make sure that I become the person I’ve always wanted to be despite everything else.

rashep2 replied to your post: OH MY GOSH THIS WEEK. It has been so good,…

But the best part was talking to me right?!

One of the best parts, for sure :)
OH! So I did the math, and my paycheck will NOT be arriving the day we leave (booooo) but it should be decent enough that I will be able to buy a nice ELEPHANT item from the zoo. If we go. And if there are elephants there. I hope there are. I love them. Elephants. Not zoos. Though, I love them, too.

ps, TWO WEEKS! :D